There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Lotus For Losers Procomm For Pinheads The Absolute Moron's Guide To Quicken WordStar 2000 For The Suckers Who Bought It Kiplinger's Computer Associates Simply Money For People Who Weren't Loved Enough As Children.
- Gateway 2000 User Manual
When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking.
- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85
Computer companies are renowned as pretty ruthless operators. But even Backbytes was shocked during a recent meeting with Groupe Bull. A Bull supremo was expounding the virtues of the company's Unix-based secure operating system, Scomp. Apparently, the system has been awarded the US Government's second-highest security classification, the legendary A2. The best that off-the-shelf Unix can manage is a miserable B1. "We could have gone for A1 level security," explained the guru. "But we would have to shoot the programmers afterwards and we didn't think that would be fair."
An ancient method for assuring software quality (from Martin Minow)
Is it possible that the solution to the software quality crisis was discovered in Korea in the 15th century? The following is from Daniel J. Boorstin, "The Discoverers" quoting, apparently, Kim Won-Yong, "Early Movable Type in Korea" (1954): "The supervisor and compositor shall be flogged thirty times for an error per chapter; the printer shall be flogged thirty times for bad impression, either too dark or too light, of one character per chapter." Boorstin continues, "This helps explain both the reputation for accuracy earned by the earliest Korean imprints and the difficulty that Koreans found in recruiting printers."
And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'"
a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program
You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler
This struct already has a perfectly good definition
Huh?
This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message
Too many errors on one line (make fewer)
Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer
Why is Client-server Computing like teenage sex: 1. It is on everybody's mind all the time. 2. Everyone talks about it all the time. 3. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it. 4. Almost no one is REALLY doing it. 5. The few who are doing it are: a) Doing it poorly. b) Sure it will be better next time. c) Not practicing it safely.
Neko for Windows NT: A stick-figure Bill Gates ambles after the
mouse. If he passes a window he stops to point out the interesting
features and makes promises as to what future versions will
offer.
Neko for OS/2 version 2.2: An elephant appears, and runs away from
the mouse in terror. When it runs into a window, it knocks itself
unconscious.
Neko for Taligent: As for OS/2 2.2, but the elephant is coloured
pink.
Neko for MacOS: 'Phil', Apple's bow-tied 'agent', runs after the
mouse with a mousetrap. If he runs into a window he drops the
mousetrap onto his foot and jumps around the screen howling in
pain.
Neko for SGI Indy: A fully rendered velociraptor stomps after the
mouse. If it runs into a window, it tears it apart and eats it.
The Met office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said: "Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines."
(News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post)
A guy was following a set of instructions to format a floppy diskette. Step 1 : Put diskette in disk drive. The man puts the disk in the drive... Step 2 : Close the door. The man gets up and, with a confused look on his face, walks over to the door to his office and closes it.
General exception fault #13 at ABCD:1234 (T)erminate Program, (R)eboot, or (T)ry to continue?
"Try" to continue? Hmmm...
A CI who follows baseball reads that his computer has 640K memory. The CI then spends five or so hours trying to figure out how the computer can pitch a strike-out.
A CI refuses to use a laser printer because he/she fears it will burn a hole through the paper.
A CI buys a home computer with a hard disk. He/she unpacks the computer, sets it up, then calls the place he/she bought it from, complaining that there were no disks in the box at all, hard or floppy.
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks, "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
He said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a 'dir'. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again, he got "File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'."
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To reorder, specify one of the following:
It was actually an April Fool's joke. The IBMer who wrote it intended it for internal IBM use only, and thus left the correct phone numbers in the memo (the original one, not the truncated one posted here). The poor guy was ÒmostÓ distressed to find customers calling him all day long...
So, my assistant calls up Microsoft and finally gets routed through the phone maze to the right folks for spare mouse parts. He tells the woman at Microsoft "Someone castrated our mice, so we need more balls". She thought it was hilarious.
A few days later the balls arrive. However, they're for the 400DPI mice, not the older ones. Back to Microsoft (different woman): "Hello, you sent us some balls, but they're too big - do you have smaller ones?"...
1) Don't buy a computer
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and FORTRAN. It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for mounting tapes and making responses, such as "Amen", or "And With Thy Spirit", on the console typewriter.
Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU by internal subroutines.
Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer reels are available for government installations.
In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98. 2 percent the average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later version to be called SIN-OREMA.
Reprinted from Data Link, March 1966, which reprinted from the source, W. S. Minkler, Jr., the Pittsburgh section of the American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965.