by Richard M. Romano
The great word processor debate at the office continues. Some people prefer the keyboard and arrow keys and can't get used to a mouse. Others prefer to click and point and can't get used to the keyboard. Me? I can go either way. I guess I'm ambitexterous.
But not bitextual.
Multimedia is getting more realistic. I bought a CD-ROM on New York City. It has an enormous amount of data crammed into a tiny space, it's loaded with bugs, it keeps begging for extra RAM, the dialog boxes are rude and laced with profanity, it corrupted my hard disk, and overtaxed my CPU. I'm afraid to load it after dark....
still remember a time when having a web site meant it was time to dust.
I recently had someone evaluate my computer system and make recommendations for improving speed and efficiency, but all he did was make fun of my setup. The mistake was mine: I had accidently hired an insultant.
Here's my list of the Top 10 CD-ROMs I hope we never see:
10. Jim Carrey Interactive
9. Stock Photography: Fever Blisters
8. Doom III
7. The Interactive Portnoy's Complaint
6. Just Grandma and Me II: Grandma the Avenger
5. Sing Along With the Great Operas
4. Embalming is Fun!
3. Nature Interactive: Tapeworms
2. The Mayo Clinic Home Prostate Exam
And the number 1 multimedia title I don't want to see is:
That's Rich-The CD-ROM
Buzzwords from Hell, Installment 169: Overbyte-The amount by which a computer file exceeds a disk's storage capacity.
I'll spare you the details, but here's a word of caution: never purchase any software version 6.6.6. I'll tell you, that holy water wreaked havoc on my keyboard.
Job security: downloading a 10 MB file at 2400 bps.
There is now a "virtual fishtank" you can get for your computer. It is just like a real aquarium; you have to feed the fish and clean the tank, or they die. I'm developing another type of computer pet, a "virtual cat." A few problems, though: it keeps chasing my mouse.
I think Microsoft is developing a "virtual aquarium" stocked entirely with piranha.
You take out your communicator and contact the starship Enterprise. In Star Trek, you are immediately contacting the right party. But in reality, here is what you'd have to contend with: "Thank you for calling the Starship Enterprise. If you are sending a distress signal, press 1. If you would like to be beamed up, press 2. If you are an omnipotent god-being who is trying to take over the universe, press 3. If you are a green-skinned alien female interested in seducing our captain, press 4. If you have a rotary-dial communicator, please hold and wait for Lieutenant Uhura.
Coming this fall to CBS-Roy Scheider and a hyperevolved dolphin maximize their computer storage in SyQuest DSV.
Laugh and the world laughs with you;
Pun and you laugh alone.
I hear that the sequal to Myst may be accompanied by a number of merchandising tie-ins. I think McDonald's will feature a Myst Meal. You click on a touchscreen menu and have no idea what you ordered.
Interactive entertainment is getting really weird. I heard that there is now a kiosk in the Sistine Chapel where you can load Michelangelo's Creation of Adam and create man in your own image.
Psychologists tell us that children who are exposed to violence on television grow up to become violent. My childhood was spent watching sitcoms, so I grew up to write really bad jokes. Litigation against those irresponsible entertainment companies is pending...
Richard M. Romano (rromano@pipeline.com), who once tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records for eating a bicyle, is the research assistant to Marilyn vos Savant, author of Parade magazine's "Ask Marilyn" column. He is also working on developing projects for CD-ROM. For some reason, he lives in New York City.
This article was written by Richard M. Romano and in no way do I take credit or responsibility for anything written therin with respect to content or grammer. Any typos are purely accidental. This article can be found in the September/October issue of Digital Imaging magizine.